Friday, July 29, 2011

Being Young and Being Fat

So I kind of have all these things in my mind that I want to write out but I don't know if I can get them out. At least at one time.
So lets start with the obvious. My title.
So I luckly go to a good school now. But before not really. I hate all the people in that old school.
I really do.
Hate is a strong word and I use it wisely now.
There are few that were nice.
But now that I look back I hear the insults, the passive aggressive jabs.
"You don't belong here"
"No offense but I'd rather work with him... he's.... cooler"
"You.... kind off look like you have down syndrome in that picture"
"Oh I heard that school is really easy"
Yeah they said it.
And what did I do in response
"Oh hahaha that's okay!"
"Oh hahaha you're right!"
I was fine with it since I had a friend to rely on who didn't insult me.
We were sisters
Then she went down the shit hole flinging insults as she goes
That is a long story that I have finally gotten over.
But how come someone who was so close to me, who was my sister, who's words could build me up and had cut me down and scarred me not cut as deep as some of the people who I only knew for a couple of months?
Maybe its because that's what I thought that's everyone thinks of me.
And maybe because I don't feel like I properly had gotten my revenge.
Revenge is bad.
I know.
But that should have to pay for the hurt that they put me through.
Because of them I don't really have any friends but 2. And one lives in Ohio.
I guess that is another reason I want to loose weight.
Because I want to be smoking hot and show them.
They're the losers, the drop outs, the skanks, the bitches and dicks. 
And now I'm the superior. And they can't hurt me.
I have all these layers of fat yet, I feel the most vulnerable. I feel so big that I can't hide.
But when I'm skinny.
I will be tough and hot and sexy and they can shove it up their half baked, stoner asses!
So yeah lovely ranting.
I guess that's kind of a back story.
Another part of why I wanted to lose is really for me but in a way I'm doing it for myself for someone else.
I'm a Senior in high school. All I've ever wanted is to be a normal high schooler and in my last 4 years I haven't been.
I want to hang out with friends
I want to go to the river with friends
I want to have my first kiss
I want to be... dare I say in "love"?
And one of these I feel can't come true unless I feel my best.
I mean I met him and felt like.... Id known him before? Like we had connected before?
This could just be me going all crazy. He could be dating some hot chick with soft hair and pretty eyes with not an ounce of fat on her and he could of totally forgotten about me.
But there is just a sliver of hope.
A small glimmer that he may still think of me and that he may want to see me at school.
Hell he could of switched schools and I could be waiting for nothing.
But maybe he was just meant to come into my life to make me re-realize how much I missed having a crush and how much I want to be wanted to be wanted and how much I really needed to love myself.
I know for all those older who are reading my blog you're probably disgusted by my young hope and love or you're "awww"ing at my mushy young love.

Either way no matter how corny it sounds,no matter if you don't believe in fate, no matter if I'm just being over dramatic. It started me on this path and now I'm ready to keep it going.

So this is not exactly what I planned to purge but I guess it's okay.
Yeah I feel good now.

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