Hey Guys. I think I'm Converting

To my other blog.
Keeping two blogs is just a hassle. Plus I realized the more I write, think and occupy my time on weight loss the more I end up eating because of how overwhelmed I'm getting. So I'm deciding to take everything here and put it on Growing Up Unique.
That was my exploration of the paranormal, spirituality and whatnot but it's really evolved into something of just a day to day blog (even if I only post once a week) and I think it's just better that way.
So doen't expect to see very many updates on here if I don't take it down altogether.
Love you all,
I'm not quitting my weight loss. No no no. I'm just doing it in a different way.

Tootles,
 LGMbarbie

University Workout!!

As some of you may know I'm going to college for the first time this year!! From Monday to about five today I have been walking clear across campus back and forth from the dorms I was staying over night in and the main gathering center where everything was happening. And between that? We went to the gym. Yes I WENT TO A GYM. You know when you think about going to a gym for the first time and you're not bringing a friend and you've never been to one and you think people are going to judge you because of how big you are or because you don't know how to work the equipment? Well I can happily tell you NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!! Everyone is there for the same reason, to get/stay fit. I saw this guy who was about a couple hundred pounds working out sweating his ass off. I was like DUDE GOOD FOR YOU!! GO!! It's crazy amazing these days how exercise equipment and gyms in general are so high tech. I could watch TV (the food network channel made me laugh XD) while walking a few miles, or on the elliptical also they had some TVs near the stationary bikes and this cool pully-army-butt-sliding-thingy (official name) that you could watch with subtitles. Really? Like I said about no one care how heavy you are, what you look like, if you can work the machines or not. Their muscles are burning so bad they probably don't even notice you. So for all those of you who don't go to the gym because you think people will judge you? Go. Try it out. This was my experience at a college gym no less which is the judgiest group of people and they didn't care. And if you leave dripping in sweaty? Just remember SWEAT IS FAT CRYING!! I never thought I'd have fun at a gym. Then again the only thing I've gone to our gym for is swimming soooo yeah. But yeah that's my gym overview. This again is only MY experience. You could just live in a town where people stare at you and judge you because that's what they do. And really? Just do it anyways. You're there to lose weight. To better YOUR life not better there's. Just give em the finger (mentally since people don't usually like that very much and you'd just be giving them a reason to judge you... yeah). I know that's hard to do. Believe me. I'm still struggling with that but that's a totally different story.
Anyways I had a BUNCH of fun, met cool people, and I am EXHAUSTED!! SO goodnight everyone!!

Photo Update!

I updated my photos page, FINALLY!

Updates Updates Updates!

Hello everyone!
It's been forever since I blogged! Everything has been extremely busy and this was just another thing on my list so I crossed it off. No promises (because we all know what happens when I promise sh*t XD) but I hope to blog more.
Now back into business I am back down to 208. I weighed in at 208.2 last week and 208.0 this week which is pretty good for me! The only promlem and why I thought I was going to gain this week was because I didn't go to Air Aligned (Because I was studying for today's final) and next week is the last week for the WHOLE summer! And worse I won't be here next fall! I'll be in Reno starting college!! So I have to find myself something to keep me active, some friends from my Air Aligned group take swing (of which I have taken before but because of my insecurities about my body I stopped going)  and I'm wondering if I should take that back up again especially if I know some of the girls active in the group which would be nice. Plus my mom has promised to go bike riding regularly with me again (fingers crossed!). So if I can pick at least something up over the summer (after I get my license maybe going to the gym for swimming) I can keep this downward weight curve!

In Adele we trust ;)

Moving on from that, I saw a commercial for Dove I believe (I could be mistaken) that said that girls who are insecure with their bodies are more likely to drop out of sports such as ballet, soccer, and swimming at a young age. I didn't realize that it was such a big percent! I thought I was weird for stopping sports because I wasn't skinny. Volleyball was torture with the clingy fabric tops and tall skinny girls, forget dance with its wall of mirrors, and PE sucked. I really like that they're organizing self-esteem programs to help little girls who are like I was.

On my third point I would like to write about we went on a 12 mile hike the other day and I could keep up with 9 little girls (It was with my little sisters American Heritage Girl troop) plus the outdoorsy leader. By the end I was sore but I didn't feel like falling over exhausted. You have no idea how happy that made me.

The last bit of my update is how good I feel. This morning before taking a shower I saw myself in the mirror. I looked at myself and actually said I looked cute today, not just my face or the clothing I was wearing (since I wasn't wearing any cause I was getting into the shower) I thought that my body cute. Stomach and everything. It's good because I like the way my body is progressing. That is the first time that has ever happened to me. Ever. And I hope by the end of this journey I will think I look beautiful.

Well for now that is all and hopefully after the 8th (My Graduation!!) I'll have more time!!

Tootles,
              LGMbarbie

1 Year Aniversary

So I've been officially blogging for one year last month! This blog was started a little later but my first blog is one year old!! Yay!!

Down Two

451 page views.... wow I think they count yourself looking at your own blog but I mean I'm sure I haven't viewed my own blog 400 times.... Anywho! I've lost two pounds this week yaaaay! And I've gotten back into Airaligned after a bunch of weeks missed. I have a performance and it sucks cause I have NO idea what I'm going to do!! Anyways my whole body seems to hurt. I need a chiropractor appointment!! Bleeh!!

Just Some Updates

So nothing much going on still.
Went and saw the Hunger Games on Friday and despite some hiccups in the story I thought it was overall, a good movie. They just could have done more.
Weight loss is okay, haven't really lost anything this last week which is weird since I've been working so hard. Every other day or so we're going and cleaning the horses which is hard work and of course there's Air Aligned on Tuesday nights and from Mon-Fri I clean a friends house so I'm up and active. And my eating has been excellent. I'm getting fuller quicker of course I've already said. I am tired this weekend. Between a project and homework I was working on for Tuesday, Honors stuff, college stuff, cleaning every morning, AirAligned, horses, other meetings, and the movie on Friday this weekend I am oddly relaxed. Tired but relaxed. Which is nice. I'm about halfway done with Mockingjay and so far I'm loving it. I like The Hunger Games best, then it would be Mockingjay and Catching Fire didn't really do it for me. It was more technical stuff that I wasn't really interested in, character development, plans, and politics. Not really my thing hehe. Well Hope you are all doing well!!

Tootles,
            LGMbarbie

Wait? It's still monday?

Yeah I couldn't get to sleep last night. I should have just broken out Mockingjay and I could have been productive but instead I just tossed and turned and talked to myself. And I had to get up at 8 this morning. Bleeeeh. I had to go to an interview with some other kids to talk to the WASC people who give private schools their charter or something like that. Then I had to go clean which was fine. Then I napped for like 4 hours and I'm still tired so I might be able to sleep tonight. But more than likely I'll lay in bed and not sleep tonight. Which means. READING!! Hurrayyyyy!!

I got's a hot date toniiiight!!
In other news I have crappy bloating today which sucks. But this too shall pass. I need to cut down on salt again.
Anywho not much to report.














Tootles,
           LGMbarbie

Good Week, New Job, and The Hunger Games

I'm trying not to jinx myself but after weighing in down two pounds I actually started eating better this week. I think my stomach has shrunk because I find myself not eating as much. As for calorie counting I'm kind of going crazy. I punch everything in and either I'm eating less or things suddenly have less calories. It seems crazy to me because I'm ending up with like barely 1200 calories a day and feeling stuffed. Like I had totally binged. But my stomach has looked smaller and my legs are decreasing in cellulite. I'm kind of proud of myself. I just hope that I don't sabotage myself.
Another piece of info I'm so excited about is I have a job! I'm cleaning an apartment every morning for a dance teacher of mine who is injured. It's fun because I can hang out with her and clean and make money. Just an hour a day for 12 bucks 5 days a week. It also gets me up and active in the morning which is good for me.
And last but not least HUNGER GAMES ON FRIDAY!! I am soooo excited. I'm not going to pretend to be one of those "I liked it before it was cool" kind of people because I didn't. My mom did though and she created a monster. Just like with Harry Potter. Here's the story.
When I was little my mom would read Harry Potter before bed, this was before I could read very well since I have dyslexia. But after I had that taken care of my mom told me I should read them. Now? Harry Potter was my one true love and still is. That was my childhood. I grew up with Harry Ron and Hermione! With the Hunger Games it's like starting a new chapter in my life with going off to college and all. I love the characters and as dismal (and I thought scary) the books were I still think it's great which is weird for me. But I'm excited. A friend of mine is coming with my mom and I and we're trying to dress up like people from the capitol. I bought some gold make up and nail polish to dress myself up and I'm going to cover myself in glitter and draw the mockingjay pin on my hand. I'm going to try to guy these pretty mockingjay earrings at our book store.
Well other than that? I was accepted to my top college which means trying to get all the funds and whatnot together. I'll update later on that. And as for doing a Vlog? Well that hasn't gone well but I'll try some day. Most likely closer to college. For some reason everybody needs me to do something when I try to record my videos.

Well May the Odd be Ever in Your Favor (hehe)

Tootles,
             LGMbarbie

Acceptance

No today I'm not talking about sociaty buuuuut, I have just been accepted to RENO!! I've been applying for colleges and financial aid and trying to stay on top of homework as well so that's why haven't been on for the last few months. But I was accepted to my top college!! I'll be moving this summer!! Good news is a friend of mine might be going to the same school so I might be able to know someone there!! It would be good if that were the case. Anywho. Dieting sucks that's all

Tootles,
LGMbarbie

Oh My Gosh!

People I am so sorry!
I think I just needed a break but I'm ready to get on the bloggermill and start documenting again. I probably won't be posting every day anymore because of school and other stresses. I'm going to college in around 7 months which means I need to finalize my school and get scholarships together. I HATE this. Deadlines, money, essays, recommendations, nominations, transcripts it's literally like have a part time job ON TOP of my full time high school job. But I can't complain, I'm home schooled and I'm a procrastinator like instead of watching Cupcake Wars and posting on here I should be reading "To Kill a Mockingbird" which I've barely gotten past 50 pages in a 280 someodd paged book which I HATE! Okay I don't hate it it's just not my thing. I would love to get back into reading but if the book is not in your interest how does that motivate you? Also I would rather be drawing. I have a million and one characters bouncing around in my head going "DRAW ME DRAW ME!" Ugh no! Not right now!! Please wait your turn behind Kaleb and Coraline and Hazel and Peter. And on top of that? I'm pet sitting a little dachshund named Pretzel which isn't that bad. She is an amazing little dog and a complete lover. Anywho needless to say my weight is at 214 and hasn't gone anywhere for two weeks.
 And of course yesterday I had to buy some bras which means looking in the mirror with only a bra on top. Basically looking at my fat and being reminded of how much of a loser I am. Ya fat ass. That's the pessimistic side of me.
I have three sides, one seems to come out when I'm around a certain someone but the other too are always fighting (Gawd I sound like I have three personalities). Anyway one CONSTANTLY puts me down "You suck," "You'll never be thin" "You're a loser" "Your ugly" "You're a fat ass" and the other goes "Hey ignore that other voice!" "You're beautiful!" "Who cares what everyone thinks?" "You can do it," unfortunately the negative voice seems to talk louder than the positive one. Well I might as well start over AGAIN!!
Hopefully there will be less of a rant/complaining post next time. Sorry for being such a downer!!

Tootles,
LGM Barbie

My Name is Cassondra and I...

Am a Binge eater.
You know how they say, you can't fix the problem if you don't think you have one?
That's what I thought, I thought "I'm not that bad, I can control myself, I don't do that," well I'm not as bad as some severe cases but in some ways I'm a lesser case of it. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm angry, I eat and eat and eat. I am so TIRED of false revelations. Although some were helpful I need to really focus on what the problem is.
I've broken it down.
When I eat I think about how good the food is going to taste! I get excited like it's a gift! (And in some ways that's a good thing, I appreciate what I have but that's not the issue here) Then I eat it. I don't savor it I mow down and swallow it, usually while watching TV or on the computer or whatever. I don't think when I eat, well I do just not about food. I just don't worry about anything. I thought of this in the beginning of my journey which has been more like walking in the woods at night with a bag over my head and the trail just a giant circle, but I had a bag of jelly beans. TootiFruiti my favorite kind. I sat there and I took eat one or more at I time and it felt dirty. Like popping pills. Taking drugs. Just dirty.
Why can't I realize my bad habits when I'm eating meals or snacks.
I need help and right now I have to get it myself.

Hey all

Oh dreamy me!
How come when one busy time ends another one starts?
I have:
SATs
College Apps
Financial Aid
Homework and school grades
and on top of all that daily teenage hormones oh and dieting! It's been crazy.
I gained a lb last week which sucks. I need to relax, get everything back in line.
I just want to sit and watch my teeny dramas in peace!!

Well other than that exercise has been below satisfactory, with the fact that I'm only doing one whole day of real activity at airaligned. I would like to try the treadmill since it's finally started raining here. I have this weird thing that happens in my head I think. When I loose a large or good amount of weight it's like
"Oh! Okay now I can go and screw off, overeat and bing all I want because I lost the weight!" really it's like WTF! That's not how it's suppose to work! I'm suppose to loose the weight and be motivated to loose more! Not eat more!

GAWD!

I'm sosososooooo sorry! It's been so hella busy lately and crazy around here! Every time I've tried to record or post a video I've been interrupted by my mom or siblings! GAH!
Well I might as well report my stuff now!
I weighed myself and I am now 209! Not my lowest but that means I lost about 4.9 lbs! I think it was cause I was deflating after Bitch Week before and I was 214 but I deflated and have LOST since then so YAY! Uh eating has been okay... I've been eating goood portions but... my food choices haven't been... up to par. I've been eating Cheez-its and sugar cereal! This is why we can't have this crap in the house! I'll eat it!! Gah!! Well Tomorrow is detox day. I've been overeating a little too during dinner so I need to cut that down and go back on plan. Yeah that's about it.... BYE!
Tootles,

SAT Stresses

As senior year comes around to the second semester I was having fun! But then... I found that it's getting close to the stop date to apply for UNR and I need to submit my SAT scores.... which I haven't taken yet. Yeah I have two weeks to study for this P.O.S. joke of a test. I have a book from my college counselor and I just got 4 right out of 17. Pathetic right? Well I have weeks to stress about it then they will be over then I can show my college how lame and stupid I am yay! Nah I'm trying to stay positive but it's been hard. I just have to do the tutoring which I really don't want to do and just live through it WITHOUT throwing my fitness out the door with comfort food.
Speaking of fitness it is the second week in the NYWL Challenge! I have a weigh in tomorrow morning I believe, another update is that I haven't gained anything except for like .5 lbs which is cool. I think I weighed in over the break cause I don't remember weighing in at 214lbs.... so that's weird but not as bad as some gains.
I've been eating well for the past few days which I'm really proud of. I haven't fallen. We went to Taco Tree and I ordered two quesadillas like I shouldn't have BUT I waited and ate it today and not all at once. I've stayed hydrated and I've been doing some light work outs over the week. Life other than the whole SAT drama has been okay. I have to go back to school next week BLAH! But it's the last semester of my last year of high school! OhEmGee!! It's so crazy. We're going to tour UNR in March which is really exciting!!
That's all for now I guess. I'll update my video diaries later today or tomorrow morning!

BARGDEBLAHTEHMEGLO!

Haircuts!!

I GOTS ONE!

Before

After

I've Got a Bad Romance!

With bread!
I've been craving bread SO hard lately! But with regular sandwiches I've kept it pretty much under control. Of course my dad brought home doughnuts! Not his fault though cause I haven't really announced my gluten freeness. I was able only to take a little bite and put down the bready goodness without binging. For breakfast I had Special K cerial with a colby jack cheese stick and half a vitamin water and now I'm chewing gum to keep me over until "lunch" which should be around 3 since I've been having trouble sleeping and I got up at noon AGAIN!
It'll be hard but I have to reset my clock.
Another change is I will physically write down my calories and watch them as eat. It's gonna suck but I really have to do it this time.
Yesterday was a great day though, I watched my food and I think I did really good along with a little work out at the end with my sister.
I really hope my feelings are right about this year for my weight loss and life in general. I hope there will be a big change.

Video Up!!

My video is up! My first video is up and it is craaaaaaaapy!! Yaaaay! It's kind of weird but I think it's okay for the first one. Uhm I started my Japaneses today but it's pretty awesome. It's different from any other language training I've had. Is that a thing? Language training? Well instead more like mandatory Spanish class hehehe. Anywho it's cool and a lot of fun and I really am learning! I know way more than I thought I would in the first hour. Fun Fun!!
Well not much to report, I caught myself eating a cookie today! No! I'm suppose to be gluten free!! It is my first day so it's going to be hard. I have to wean myself off of the bread I can't just quit cold turkey. That's why they call it a challenge!!

Tootles,