Sunday, July 31, 2011

Hope You Don't Mind That I Put Down in Words

How wonderful life is when I'm listening to Elton John.
Yeah corny I know.
Anywho another day is through and I am ready for an early (Well early to me) bed time. I'm an artist so naturally as is my species's culture I am to go to sleep really late working on something as inspiration strikes at midnight. But not tonight!! I'm breaking the trend!! Well trying to.
You see I've been breaking a lot of bad habits lately
Some of them include:
Nail Biting
Hair Plucking (yeah I know but it's been a while since I did that)
Late Bedtime
Bossiness to my siblings.

SO yeah that's along with the diet and work out, so that's nice for me.
Time for good ol Elton to sing me to sleep.
Night all. 

You Blog?

Yeah I can hardly believe it either. Usually I start something like a blog, or a story (speaking of story....) or a comic and days or even hours after starting it I just drift away and well, never really think about it again. But this time. I'm a blogger!! If you had told me a year ago I would hold onto a blog and not "forget" about it or be too lazy to do it I would of said "That would be nice" and secretly giggling inside.
I love blogging I love writing and I love decorating and making things look pretty!! My blog is like a little place that I can decorate with out having to pay or have the skills to make something!!
And not to mention how much it is helping me on my weight loss.

I thought I would just start a little witchy blog about me my life and tarot but now I have two (really three but the other one flopped and sucks) that I love to death and want to keep nice and new. It doesn't really matter to me how many watchers I have or how many comments I get it just matters that I have a tool that lets me vent when I need to and celebrate when I need to!!
Another thing I have this for is helping me write out everything!! I think this will help me get back on track with my writing. Speaking of writing this summer has flown past and I haven't talked to my teacher for creative writing which is a no no for me!! Anywho that's what I had to say here and now and on to contacting my teacher!! Yikes!!


So I love love love music. Music was one of the main ways of entertainment for me when I was little. But I rarely hear the songs that I used to listen to and  sometimes I can't remember the names of the songs.
Sooooo: I decided to set up my dad's old Record Player. I'm listening to Elton John now XD. So yeah yay me!!

New Season!!


Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Little Bit More

So I thought I would explain when I really started getting into weight loss, even now it's a driving factor. I loved vintage and retro stuff. I love it to death, and I love to dance. It's the one thing I can do without looking stupid. Put them together and what do you have?
I love swing dance, I love to watch it, do it, live it. But a main part of it is having a partner and being caught. But I knew that was a long time down the road. But when I finally started swing dance there was a few weeks in and there was a move where the girl would spin and fall back. Your partner would catch you and do this cool pull back move. I loved it but I was terrified.
I was so afraid of falling back and hearing the "oof" or the sharp exhale of air as he struggles to keep me up. Or even he catches me and can't hold me. I was so terrified of the embarrassment of that moment. I felt nauseous and unhappy that I declined the offer to learn the move claiming that I "Wasn't comfortable with the basic moves yet"
I refused to learn something that I would love to learn because of my weight.
That among some other little things is what lead me to everything.

One Little Thing

Am I the only fat chick who refuses to fall to the bitch of Jillian Micheals!?! I F^CKING HATE HER!! She is an abusive ass hat who has it easy.
Just saying.

My Insperations and Trials

Just some pictures

First is my Inspiration Wall.
It's said if you want to loose weight you should have a visualization of what you want to look like eventually. So I cut up some gossip mags and put some of my favorite people, People who inspire me,  and clothing and stuff. 

So I have the chick from the weight watchers commercials, Lady Gaga, Sandra Bullock, Pauley Perrette, Jeniffer Love-Hewitt, Kendra Basket-Wilkinson, Kate Middleton, Angelina Jolie, Barbara Eden, Kirstie Alley.  

And this is our lovely kitchen filled with nummy treats that I will most likely over eat if I take a bite.....


Friday, July 29, 2011

Just a Little Update

So as to not seem crazy and emotional to all those new to my little asylum crazy corner on the interwebz I have a little update.
I just walked into the kitchen to see piles of cupcakes, brownies, and chocolate chip cookies for my sister's bake sale.
I;m going insane.
I have to wear blinders as I walk through it since my rooms on the one side of the kitchen and the rest of the house is on the other.
SO yeah.
Oh and I changed my name!!
LGMs are my favorite from Toy Story shown here by my shrine to them: (and my little L plushie in the corner with his mickey ears lolol)

And I love love love barbie dolls and their history so of course I have an LGM barbie!! So that's the story
and now for some random and healthy picture spam of my dog before I hit the figurative hay.

My lovely son vinny van voo voo!!

Being Young and Being Fat

So I kind of have all these things in my mind that I want to write out but I don't know if I can get them out. At least at one time.
So lets start with the obvious. My title.
So I luckly go to a good school now. But before not really. I hate all the people in that old school.
I really do.
Hate is a strong word and I use it wisely now.
There are few that were nice.
But now that I look back I hear the insults, the passive aggressive jabs.
"You don't belong here"
"No offense but I'd rather work with him... he's.... cooler"
"You.... kind off look like you have down syndrome in that picture"
"Oh I heard that school is really easy"
Yeah they said it.
And what did I do in response
"Oh hahaha that's okay!"
"Oh hahaha you're right!"
I was fine with it since I had a friend to rely on who didn't insult me.
We were sisters
Then she went down the shit hole flinging insults as she goes
That is a long story that I have finally gotten over.
But how come someone who was so close to me, who was my sister, who's words could build me up and had cut me down and scarred me not cut as deep as some of the people who I only knew for a couple of months?
Maybe its because that's what I thought that's everyone thinks of me.
And maybe because I don't feel like I properly had gotten my revenge.
Revenge is bad.
I know.
But that should have to pay for the hurt that they put me through.
Because of them I don't really have any friends but 2. And one lives in Ohio.
I guess that is another reason I want to loose weight.
Because I want to be smoking hot and show them.
They're the losers, the drop outs, the skanks, the bitches and dicks. 
And now I'm the superior. And they can't hurt me.
I have all these layers of fat yet, I feel the most vulnerable. I feel so big that I can't hide.
But when I'm skinny.
I will be tough and hot and sexy and they can shove it up their half baked, stoner asses!
So yeah lovely ranting.
I guess that's kind of a back story.
Another part of why I wanted to lose is really for me but in a way I'm doing it for myself for someone else.
I'm a Senior in high school. All I've ever wanted is to be a normal high schooler and in my last 4 years I haven't been.
I want to hang out with friends
I want to go to the river with friends
I want to have my first kiss
I want to be... dare I say in "love"?
And one of these I feel can't come true unless I feel my best.
I mean I met him and felt like.... Id known him before? Like we had connected before?
This could just be me going all crazy. He could be dating some hot chick with soft hair and pretty eyes with not an ounce of fat on her and he could of totally forgotten about me.
But there is just a sliver of hope.
A small glimmer that he may still think of me and that he may want to see me at school.
Hell he could of switched schools and I could be waiting for nothing.
But maybe he was just meant to come into my life to make me re-realize how much I missed having a crush and how much I want to be wanted to be wanted and how much I really needed to love myself.
I know for all those older who are reading my blog you're probably disgusted by my young hope and love or you're "awww"ing at my mushy young love.

Either way no matter how corny it sounds,no matter if you don't believe in fate, no matter if I'm just being over dramatic. It started me on this path and now I'm ready to keep it going.

So this is not exactly what I planned to purge but I guess it's okay.
Yeah I feel good now.

Good News!

So I FINALLY got to weigh in today aaaand!
I'm down two pounds flat!!
That means finally after months of going on and off of diet and exercise I have lost 11 pounds reaching a I guess mile stone.
So as my new shiny rewards thingy says I get a movie!!
And for some reason this Harry Potter geek hasn't seen the new movie so me and mah mumma are going to see it!!
I'm going to cry!! Yay!
Shed some water weight lololol.
So yeah. Yay me, It's been two weeks since I seriously started this so all of you lovely visitors who read this are probably going "SHUT UP YOU'VE ONLY BEEN AT THIS FOR LIKE A LITTLE BIT! STFU!"
well I'm sorry that I'm enthusiastic!
So a lot to go and I hope that I'll have some rewards in my future for my work. Or more money to reward myself. KINGDOM HEARTS FOR THE PSP HERE I COOOOME!!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Oh Dear

Yeah two days now and I seem to be... cheating a lot. Okay not that much. Just a little bit of cheating more today then yesterday. I had a cupcake for breakfast and a milkshake for lunch. I am such a horrible dieter!! I'm going to have to walk my ass off tonight. and crunch and push up and leg lift and shiznips like that.
So yeah that's it yaaaay me I'm a fatass and I can't stop myself from eating.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Oh Lawdy!

So only a little bit since I'm tired.
So I just got back from the somewhat most stressful days in my life. Okay maybe that's an exaggeration but still.
Vacation my ass.
My grandmother was just picking a fight in everything and my sister has been sooooo evil.
So yeah I'm done with this shat.
The only thing that was nice was when I wasn't with them and I was in the water.
Unless my whole family is going I'm not going back up there.
Only good news on the weight loss front is that I got to swim.
My knee is great in the water and I think I lost a pound or two.
I haven't weighed myself yet so for all I know is I could of gained 5 pounds.
Another piece of good news is I am cutting waaaay down on my consumption.
So now instead of stuffing myself and snacking on emotion I now eat when I'm hungry and only as much as my stomach can hold! So yeah I'm good.
That's all for now but I have a lot more ranting left for tomorrow!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

My First Lazy Day!!

So yeah
This is my first eat what I want and do what I want day!! Now if I stay with it tomorrow and start working out again well lets just pray I do it. I'll be going to the lake for four days and swimming a lot. In other news I am feeling so depressed right now cause I will be leaving tomorrow around noon. My mom who's been gone for a week is coming home with my brother from camp at around 1 or 2. Which means, I won't be able to see my mom for another few days.... I miss her so much. I want to go up but now I know I'm not going to see my mom for a while I don't want to. Ugh if I can't survive this long without my mom how the Hell am I going to go to college? UGH!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Yeah I'm Sure

So it's the only been a few days but I'm making good progress with my exercises which is nice. But one thing is, if I wasn't sure of it already I know now that I will never ever be a vegetarian. I ate a salad for dinner and it was filling but.... I just don't like salad. Even though it had meat in it.
Just not a salad girl. SO yeah. Not much today.


That's all I have for today.
I think I went through all of the stages of emotions when loosing weight.
I started with this morning waking up and doing Sun Salutations for getting the juices flowing.
Then I ate
Then I researched different yoga poses, then I took off my shirt to get ready for yoga.
I felt like crying at my image
I hated it
I wanted it gone with then and there.
Then I had lunch
I didn't want to do anything, no exercise no stretching
Then I got up, went for a 30 minute walk with the dog.
Got home did some Calisthenics
showered, ate.
and I felt refreshed and happy and energized
I felt like I was having fun and this was easy.
It was like I was totally bipolar with exercise today.
Now that I've been able to sit down and draw a little bit I feel much much better!!

My new character Lailani yaaay!!
Lailani (c) me

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My Body Shape

So I thought I should take some time to explain me, my shape and my past.
I was born Irish and Italian (amongst other things but those are the main two) so naturally I was going to be big, and not just in a fatty kind of way. I have large shoulders and long legs. I have 11 size foot, and of course the ever so important large chest.
I hated my body when I was little.
I was always huge compared to the little kids in my grades, it's weird thinking about it now because I always felt so small compared to my friends personality wise. I wasn't shy per say, but I always took a background roll.
Another fact was that I'm a curly red head (my Irish background) and my parents always cup my hair to have bangs. Well it you've ever cup curls short they spring up. So I was a huge girl with a hedge growing on my forehead.
Back to my size, when I hit puberty I of course grew in the obvious places. But the way I grew was another story, all of a sudden I had an ass and boobs. I had to wear a bra before most of my friends even knew what they were. And when I was about 12-13 I began to loath my body even more. Before I was just bigger, now I thought I was deformed.
Everything I tried on in my age group looked warped and weird on me. I couldn't fit into the cute tops and pants that my friend wore. I never was able to barrow clothing.
I hated shopping, I always was depressed by how I had to wear young adult clothing at 14.
I just began to wear whatever I could fit into. Sometimes I wore a pair of baggy jeans, t-shirt, huge sweatshirt and a beanie. I looked like a made up girl in guys clothing (I liked make up since it was the only feminine thing I could do with my body)
Then, one day, I can't remember which I realized, women all over the world are going under the knife get get what I have. They stuff their bras, buy "magical" underwear, and shove silicone under their skin to gain what I was born with.
This revaluation began to change my whole perspective on the world, I would watch movies, TV shows, read magazines anything and see women with plastic boobs, faces, butts. And none of them compared to what I naturally had.
Once I had gotten over my image problems I began to focus on the fat.
I love my body, I hate my fat.
I want the fat gone.
Now in a short 10 year span I have totally changed my look on myself and the world.
And finally I'm ready to change myself for good.
Oh and btw I've grown out my bangs so my hair doesn't look like a red topiary.
So that's me.
Thanks for reading

I Dream of Skinny

Its true too
Every dream I have is of me being skinny
It's weird and mostly depressing cause then I wake up and well.... its not there or there's too much there =__=

So let's get this shat started!
I am currently 217lbs as of yesterday
Now that is a large change from my starting weight which was 224-225.
Now I'm having some difficulties not knowing how accurate the Wii is for weighing
I weigh myself on there and it says I'm in the teens while I go to the doctors and the digital scale says 226. I am so confused with that. I'm not told to take off my shoes or brace so idk if that makes a difference at the doctors office.
Anywho I think I might just need to do a measuring tape to be sure with progress.
I'll try to do a weekly post of my weight and measurements.
I started yesterday so I have everything on my calender.
One more thing about me and how work.
I have a knee problem, I just had surgery 5 weeks ago and yet to get a physical therapist.
I will be doing as much as I can for the next 10 weeks which means my final week will land around my birthday which is in September.
My goal is 165 (and I know I won't reach that by then but at the end of each of the 10 week intervals I would like to be there or at least close)
So this is me.
Open for the world and ready to work hard.
Please follow me on my path